The Ave at American Dream (Tacky, tacky, tacky)

Tacky Meets Overpriced

Everyone needs to rant every once in a while. This is an addendum to my full review of The American Dream (aka. Mallstrosity) and what to do there.

So the super high end part of the mall has been open for a few months now – and this is in a mall that I really want to like. It’s close by and has potential to have “everything”. It’s shockingly overpriced and like most malls, there are way too many clothing stores and not enough of anything else. The entertainment anchors – the amusement park and the water park – they’re very well done. Are they worth $100/ticket? Not really. Great Adventure is a lot bigger and half the price on Chol HaMoed.

Now .. the both hoity and toity “The Ave’ … ugh. Here comes the rant.

First off, this thing is supposed to be exclusive, right? You realize it’s in a mall with Sponge Bob, right? You’re literally trying to sell a sneaker for $1,040 in the same place you advertise a sponge with dress shoes? What is wrong with you people?

Not only that, you, you customer you – want to see the $1,040 sneakers, do you? Well, wait behind a wire and have an employee fiddle with the connector to let you in to the Louie Vetton (I don’t care about correcting spelling on this; I really don’t) Vietnamese sweat shop craftsmanship. Now, it’s not a terrible sneaker – I just felt guilty touching it.

Think I’m just picking out some random example? Fine. Buy yourself a handbag. Every store … that isn’t boarded up with some crap awful art … sells handbags. Literally it’s like – handbag store after handbag store. “Why would I buy a $1,000 handbag when Aldo’s in the next part of the mall has them for $100?” says one woman who I won’t name here though I’m thankful that’s the kind of person who’d marry me.

Yeah. Good point. This kind of nonsense store is supposed to be an exclusive area of the world – go to the actual 5th Ave in Manhattan where, guess what, there’s actual products in store windows. The Ave? What Ave? Can’t say which one? It’s because you’re basic.

I can’t draw between the lines and could do decor better than this

What about the Short Hills Mall you say? Don’t they have a mall with all this high end stuff? Yeah, they do. Guess what though – they sell clothing. Yeah, the people shopping there are wearing jeans and it’s a museum though at least it’s a nice museum. Even your water fountains here are pathetic copies of those in the Short Hills Mall. Ugh, your own water fall in the regular part of the mall is cooler than your hoity-toity one in “La Ave”.

Cool water fountain @ The Short Hills Mall
Think big, American Dream … a square kiddie pool at “The Ave”

Okay, right, I think malls have too many clothing stores because electronics stores are now called the internet. You can walk in and out of stores in the Short Hills Mall and find … get this … clothing, dishes, housewares, luggage, fitness, and even some electronics. In “the Ave” there’s two stores with clothing both of which look like they’re from a 70s yard sale. One of the stores doesn’t even have prices because at a yard sale you bring up five items and haggle with the garage owner.

Here though … no … they hound you. “Looking for something particular?”

“No, I’m just here to laugh at the absurdity of this place. Get off my back. Someone who cared for this stuff would go somewhere better. Someone who’d actually walk in here would just be people to laugh at you. Who are you kidding?”

You’re just mocking yourself now

Wait – it gets better. In case you thought you’re some sophisticated lady buying … I don’t know what … you’re 12th handbag (for which Hermes won’t even let you in the store without an appointment – ooo … you’re so important!) … there’s a store full of medicine containers. For $150 you can get a pill box that says “Xanax”; $98 for “Ambien”; and $175 for the “Prozac” pill box. Kneel to your gods of brass tackiness you empty heathen.

Speaking of gods … what the hell is this:

Tacky, tacky, tacky. Fancy places have marble or least stuff painted like marble that makes you think of fancy places. What do you have? What is this? Plastic 80s mannequin with dunce cap? How can you be this tacky and call yourself … “The Ave”? Why not just make it some silly French sounding thing … “Le Ave”? Seriously – go all the way.

I’m annoyed that this place exists. It’s a mockery of itself. Get some nice artwork, some sculpture – some … something. … and don’t make your jewelry store so bad that my son thinks it’s a furniture store. Seriously – one of these stores has great furniture all throughout to sit on and these tiny display cases mostly along the wall spaced between some sort of art thing. Look what they did to tefillin! Oy.

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  1. April 24, 2022

    […] For my review of “The Ave” part of the mall click the link. […]

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