Aliyah Diary 5: Two weeks In . . .

Here are the previous diary entries:

Part 1: Preparation for departure over here.
Part 2: First Few Days
Part 3: Moving In
Part 4: First Day of School

Updates

First some updates from the last blog article:

1) Other people do wear black socks with sandals here. I found one only a day after the previous blog post – excuse the quality of the clandestine photo:

2) “Kesefet” means “safe” in the sense that one stores money in a safe … not that one is in a position of “safety” from others. About half a dozen people pointed this out to me – I decided to leave the mistake there (albeit with a small note) because it shows the learning process.

3) “Katsefet” is also the name of an Israeli frozen yogurt and ice cream chain:

There’s one in Modiin that I found by accident looking for a pet store. I’m learning to just ‘go with the flow’ – “hey, I didn’t find the store I’m looking for, yet this one sells microwaves. Okay, we need one of those.” I came home with a “Katsefet” for my wife and found out she’s allegic to Kiwi. How did I never know that? It wasn’t a complete loss because I got to eat the rest.

Cat Update

Our “backyard” is closed in on three sides with high walls. I closed in the fourth wall with a 6′ bamboo fence. Works great – also … I used bamboo fencing for my sukkah in New Jersey. It’s less expensive here and they have much longer lengths. Very happy about that because my New Jersey sukkah didn’t fit on my lift.

Other cats like to hang out on our driveway … this one with a sad face is always there. One of my daughters fed him once and now he’s staked out his territory. Today our male cat, Wiesley got out … hear him whining (he’s a big whiner) and no idea where he is. I made a small opening so Weisley could get back. Buttercup, of course, took that as her chance to escape … a few paces down the driveway and sad-face cat makes the biggest hiss at her I’ve ever heard from a cat.

Buttercup about faces and hasn’t left the backyard … so there’s that. Sad-face, how dare you hiss at my cat! We’re no longer friends! I shew him away and, for now, he’s gone.

Wiesely came back later with a big gash on his nose. He’s the cutest kitten of Weehawken – not exactly a tough breed. You can hang him from your arm however you want, rub his belly … he’s very cute. He’s also a wuss and has no chance against a feral Israeli cat.

Also, this might not have helped – I didn’t have cat litter at first and was too overwhelmed to find it. The old owners left us some concrete in powder form. I thought it would clump well and it does.

The problem is that my white cats are now grey and the little box is filled with solid concrete.

Ulpan Update

One day I’m thinking, “this is great! I’m learning so much” and the next … “OMG, I’m never going to learn Hebrew.” I walk out feeling like I know nothing and can’t remember anything and then have a conversation with someone who is impressed with how well I speak … and then another conversation with someone that goes tragically. More of the latter than the former.

The teacher … covers a lot … and is able to jump from one thing to the next. Here’s some past tense verb congregations … and “Spanish Embassy”:

I am so tired when I get out of there – starting at 8:30am and going to close to 1pm usually, with one 1/2 break and one 10 minute break.

Ideally, one should be able to devote their afternoon for review and study; for me, I needed to review the above with my son to understand how to form a sentence with “to be” in the past tense with proper gender and plurality of the words. Says my son, past tense has four forms of the adjective yet six forms of the verb “to be”. It actually makes sense (e.g. “Hayeni Hachamim” for “We were smart” – I think I have that right – if not, I expect the comments to pour in again.) He picks up language the way an alcoholic picks up drinks – he gets it from his mother, or, might though he doesn’t drink. I mean, the ability to pick up languages. For me, just making a sentence about when I was born bounces around gender and I’m flummoxed, also, without alcohol.

What it’s like on the other side

I taught middle school American history / American Jewish history for four years. How do you come in without your homework? Why are you talking? It’s been a while since I was a student …

Now I’m a student and work. I work American hours which enables me to go to uplan from 8:30am to 1pm and then start American work at 3:30pm with time in between for: a) a nap, b) gym, c) doing something for the house … purchasing something, putting something together, etc. One day I came very close to falling asleep in class and the teacher had us all get up and do exercises. That delayed sleep … in the late afternoon I was on a video call with a client and had to jolt myself awake a few times. He didn’t seem to notice because he scheduled another consultation though he was asking about things from the previous one and I had no memory of it. “Um – yeah, whatever I said last time still applies.”

The next day my ulpan homework wasn’t done and I got a small “scolding”. It’s middah k’neged middah … I might have said, “You had two days to do your homework – why didn’t do it the night before?” Or – “Sorry, you come prepared to class with a sharpened pencil.” Or, “No, you should be paying attention. I’m not going to write it all on the board.”

I went to the office and borrowed a pencil sharpener … and I hold by that last one – the teacher shouldn’t write everything on the board or the student just copies and the mind falls asleep.

Classroom management – oh how nice it must be to teach willing adults. It’s quiet most of time and if one person calls out a question it can be answered without the rest of the class going wild at the disorder. Occasionally the teacher has to redirect someone. What? I didn’t know the rice cakes were that loud to bite into.

More about Uplan

Level 2, where I am, was getting too hard … then some moved up to Level 3 and some down to Level 1 and now Level 2 is pretty good. They try to tailor the class level to the people in the class. During break I do some comparison with others and tend to find out I’m not doing as bad as I think. For whatever reason, the class it made up of a) all married people (one widowed), b) all have kids, c) and many have studied French at one point for some reason. When I’m trying to speak Hebrew some French word I haven’t remembered since high school pops into my head. “Comci, comsa” (the spelling doesn’t pop into my head) and the French lady turns around and smiles.

There’s another couple from Russia … their son when through Georgia and Armenia before finding safety (kesefet – just kidding …) in Israel and they followed, leaving their property behind.

We use Whasapp to share work – this is new for me. We might write something, take a picture, and look at each other’s work / go over it. Personally, I share cat videos and links to this blog. I haven’t gotten any attention from it, so I don’t misbehave much. Again, what it’s like to be a student and not a teacher right now …

Now we’re doing verb tables – the top of the page is cutoff and there are cut tabs on the left column so it’s … easier and whatnot. I’d have trouble following instructions for that in English. Try following the instructions in Hebrew … that took a while and I only had to rip out 30 or so pages and do it again once. Me fail kindergarten? That’s unpossible.

I try to ask questions to people on the street in Hebrew to at least try … usually the conversation goes to English pretty quickly. One day when I was wiped from uplan I walked into the gym and thought, “this is the day all y’all get to practice your English” because I was just done with Hebrew. Another time I asked someone for directions in Hebrew and she said, “That’s so cute that you’re trying to speak Hebrew to me” because she knew not a word of it.

Shylas (Shaylot?)

What happens if they hand out cut up mango in ulpan? Can you eat it? The religious of us in the class discussed it and weren’t sure – I asked a Rav … if they bought it from a supermarket chain, they’ll have taken mei’ser so you can assume it’s fine. If they picked it off a tree and they’re not religious … then you have to assume it’s not and you have to take meiser yourself.

How do you take trumah and me’eiser yourself? I forgot. The Rav sent me a YouTube video. It’s just one of those things you have to figure out in Israel … also, ask your own Rav.

I owe people money

Typically I pay all my bills right away. I have a bit of a competition with my foreign associate in Germany to see who can pay each other’s bill faster. He sends an invoice and we both use Wise.com to send each other money – once I had a payment to him in under a minute from the time he sent the invoice by email and apologized to him for some wasted seconds.

Okay, so now … if I can pay with an American credit card, you’re paid right away. That works for everything except person-to-person payments and supermarket delivery (in person is fine). For that you need an Israeli credit card or bank account. Israeli credit cards are something like a hybrid debit card and credit card. You can pay using your ‘credit card’ over 12 payments and the payments are automatically deducted from your bank account each month – no high interest rates … just fees every time you do a transaction and every time you have an overdraft – which is common here. For person-to-person there’s a debit card and you can send from your online banking or one of two apps.

The apps for person-to-person payment: Bit and PayBox. This is one of those things someone should tell new olim on day 1 … so here it is for y’all. This is how people pay others. It took me b’erech (about – I’m practicing my Hebrew) a half hour to setup each one and then … can’t send because I need to enter my Israeli credit card number. I’d love to. It’s been two weeks and hasn’t come in the mail. Mail in Israel is known to be awful.

The bank says they can’t send it to our local branch and we can pick it up there. Yet if I lost my American Visa credit card I think a new one would appear at my door tomorrow.

Okay, so what if I log into my online banking and send payment from there? You’d thing that’d work.

Problem 1: Need to get username and password at the bank … ha, not actually a problem! I did that!

Problem 2: There’s no way to do it with online banking. Solution: need to be doing it on Hebrew – the English website is not fully functional.

Problem 3: I don’t know what I’m reading … never heard of these Hebrew words and can’t copy and paste. Solution: hold phone up to the screen and use Google Translate.

Problem 4: What do I enter now? Solution: screenshot it and send it to the person I’m paying and ask them what goes in each field.

Problem 5: I go to bed now that I got it working and plan to do it all tomorrow.

Problem 6: It won’t let me login! I have to create 2 factor authentication using an SMS. Solution: Okay, send me an SMS to Israeli cellular number.

Problem 7: SMS doesn’t arrive. Solution: Try it again. Problem 7B: SMS still deosn’t arrive. Solution: I’m an ‘international customer’ so there’s an option to send to my U.S. phone number. SUCCESS!

Problem 8: I enter the information to pay and get this error message – day after day – and this is where I’m stuck right now:

It’s red with an exclamation point – no need to know what it says.

The weather

In New Jersey there are a lot of clouds. “Hey, the sun came out” you might say. in Israel you say, “hey, the sun came out . . . more.”

No shortage of blue sky and bright light over here. I’m saving money on Vitamin D pills.

In the early evening and night, it’s very nice here and some days aren’t as hot as others. On certain days I’ve felt it’s so nice outside and then looked to see that it’s 83 degrees which used to feel very warm. (No, it’s not Celcious. Celcious is stupid. See my previous article.)

“Ani Oleh Chadash”

Mr. Burns: [incredulous] You did this? How could you be so irresponsible?
Homer: Uh, it’s my first day.
Mr. Burns: Since I’ve never seen you before, maybe it is your first day. Very well! Carry on. [begins to walk away]
Smithers: Uh, sir. That’s Homer Simpson. He’s been working here for ten years!
Mr. Burns: [walking back to Homer] Oh really! Why did you think you could lie to me?
Homer: It’s my first day. 

When I’m trying to bum five shekels off someone so I can get a shopping cart or when someone in a grocery store is talking too fast, I go with, “ani oleh chadash …” (I’m a new immigrant) and get out whatever I can.

I’m wondering how many years I can get away with this trick before people begin to recognize me.

“Ani Oleh chadash … uhh … the cart … tzirach chemesh sheklim? Lo yodati. Tan li chamesh skahlim?”

I offered her a U.S. dollar in return. She didn’t want it. Oh – and make sure you have five shekels every time you go a grocery store if you want a shopping cart and don’t want to feel like an idiot shinorring five shekels off some lady every time.

One time I pulled out my standard line when a Muslim girl in Hijab was speaking to me in Hebrew in the supermarket. That’s when I really feel stupid – when a Muslim is a native Hebrew speaker and here I am, the Jew with yarmulke getting larger and larger to cover an increasingly large bald spot, and I’m pulling out my trick. Which brings me to another thing that – CNN should see. No one thinks anything of it here – there are Arabs in kosher restaurants, malls, supermarkets, offices … Jews and Arabs life side by side, at least, in the outside world. I’d really like to know what the average Arab-Israeli thinks. Do they think Hamas are terrorists? Sure hope so.

Speaking of Schnorring …

There are very different tactics here. In America someone gets up, a lot of times interrupting prayers to tell their tall of woe (during prayers, I shut it down). In a melodramatic voice, usually not in English, “I have 12 sons and I can’t afford to marry off the next one. My second cousin in law has cancer and my cat ran away with my job.” Something like that. Then they ask for money and might even have a flyer explaining this … and a credit card machine that goes “bing” because we’re in the first world.

In Israel there are far less collectors – I’ve seen only two that have spoken. Picture the same scene as above except with a really happy, smiling, energetic guy: “Praise the lord I’m marrying off my 12th child! Life is great, life is beautiful, life is wonderful and every one of you gives me 70 shekels my expenses will be paid!”

Worse, one of them asking for money in Israel was American … it’s like a schnorrer exchange program.

Using Technology To Schnorr

“Let me know if I can do anything for you.” At least a dozen people said that to me. Even though I put them in my phone with something memorable, I still can’t remember who has what skill set. Let’s see … this guy in my phone: “Shnooki Yankelstein with a sister in Manalapan” … can he cook or install network cable? “Dr. Venkman with a mole” … he’s the one that … I Don’t know.

Here’s my method: You said you’d do stuff for me? Great! You’re in my Whatsapp group and now I ask you all at once. My wife cringes and maybe half the people in the group do too … yet there’s enough people who respond and I’m happy.

Shopping

First, a story from my wife. First, the back story – right after we got married and sheva brochos we went away and for one of the activities, we were on a raft, stuck on a rock. While I’m sitting there thinking this through, my wife, direct descendant of Nachson ben Aminidav, jumps in and pushes the raft off the water.

She went to Home Center in Ish Pro … which is amazing because I couldn’t find the place. I found Super Sol instead and bought a microwave and then Office Max and bought an extension cord. That was a win. I accomplished something that day even though “ani oleh hadash” wasn’t enough of a hint to a guy asking me why I didn’t want to get membership to Super Sol. Why not? Go breach boundaries at a fence in Aza and leave mine alone. I mean, you never know when you’ll find stylish leather snow boots in a hardware store, c’zeh:

So my wife – she asks for help getting a carpet down from a shelf. “Nope, go ask someone else at the other end of the store.” She does. “Nope, the guy who can help you doesn’t come in until 1pm.” No way my wife is waiting around for a carpet so she grabs a ladder, has my daughter steady it, and slowly released the carpet ties until it falls to the floor. She rolls it up and brings it the cashier.

Ma Pitom? You did this yourself, the cashier says? “Yes, and now I hope you don’t expect me to carry it to my car all by myself.” A shopper behind her helps her.

Ish Pro can best be compared to a row of outlet stores punctuated by strip malls and three grocery stores … like if you took all of retail in a mid-sized American town and conglomerated it together in one place, that would be it. The rest of the city is all peaceful, quiet, and lacking traffic jams … this is where you go for your American shopping experience complete with traffic jams and, for once, plenty of parking. Ahh… feels like home.

When to arrive

When I got here I was itching to start Ulpan – I want to be able to read a bill or order at a restaurant getting at least a full sentence out before someone responds in English. The difficulty with this is that there’s so much to do … the more gashmius, the more that can break. If I “did it again” I’d have arrived earlier to have more time to set things up before Ulpan which begins in September and February.

We’re still unpacking after a few weeks – glass countertops are missing along with the coin collection worth about $2000 I had covered within the drawers of the end table. Not well enough, it seems. Meanwhile we have to install lighting fixtures, unpack and build things that we thought the delivery company did, buy food, setup the kitchen, deal with a water leak, … it goes on and on. It’s a lot, and as someone told me – if you get one thing accomplished each day, that’s great. Little by little.

Things that can go wrong; things that can go right

Here’s a small list explaining the thought process – finding how things went:

I have two cars. One got a flat tire.
I have two cars!

I found my mailbox.
I brought the wrong key.
I found my mailbox again. The right key isn’t working.
I found my mailbox again. Maybe if I turn the key over … that worked.
My credit card hasn’t arrived.

Our health insurance is really inexpensive.
My kids needed it … two of them … more than once.

I’m learning how to conjugate verbs.
I remember none of them.
Wait, I remember one more than I did yesterday.
I can’t pronounce it property and lack of vowels in public isn’t helping.
I can remember the word in French instead.

We didn’t get Israel to pay for our flights because we had to book flights before they filled up.
Good thing we booked flights – we got on the one we wanted.
Israel wouldn’t have paid anyway. Turns out it’s need based.

I found a playground with a ladder to no where. That’s so cool – a park where you can actually get hurt and feel like a real kid.
I didn’t get a picture for the blog.
I can get one for the next post.

Am I paying too much for this milk and eggs?
No, it turns out the government sets the price and it’s the same everywhere.
Wait, how can do that? That’s wrong.
Socialism.

We have a housekeeper.
He’s male. That’s strange.
It’s normal in Israel. (Ahuvah Grey, a convert from Chicago, said she became a housekeeper here because she could make more than being a travel agent, her old job.)
He cleans well.

My shower is cold. Doesn’t it switch to instahot?
No, it’s off because there’s hot water in the tank on the roof anyway in the summer.
It’s cold this morning so there isn’t.
Turn on the switch on the wall and wait 20 minutes.
No – I’m figuring out how to turn on the instahot.
Now I waste money on propane because you can’t have both the water heater on the roof and the instahot work together.
I like my American – hot water right now when I want it – maybe next summer I’ll save on energy bills.

Something broke in my new house.
Something broke in my old house, being rented.
I own two money pits that we call “houses”.
Jewish community is great – bought this house based on trust, rented my other house based on trust – guy I bought from comes back to help us and guy I’m renting to … we signed a contract having not met each other, based on trust and community connection … we also help each other out … I send over contractors, we’ve borrowed stuff from each other and we’re all happy.

Lift came quickly after our arrival.
My coin collection with silver dollars from the late 1800s is missing.
Glass for our table where coins were … also missing.
A few other things missing … probably no hope of getting them back.

“Only in Israel”

Driver’s license – need to get a picture in one place and then go to the DMV to get your license in another place – like getting a passport picture. I haven’t done it yet … I’ve heard.

Someone said they’re making a wedding – could one of my kids babysit. You’re leaving kids home when their older sibling is getting married?!? No – empty houses on wedding nights get burglarized so you have someone there. Oh – I’m sure my daughter will be fine.

There are no crossing guards. Kids with yellow vests stand in the street with signs on poles that they stick out to tell you to stop.

No one chains up their bikes around here – crime seems to be non-existent. There’s one entrance to the community with a gate. I feel much safer than I did in New Jersey.

Public toilets have tissues almost as often as toilet paper.

Strikes

Apparently, showing up to school is optional … for teachers. I plan to tip teachers who show up to work. What the heck? What kind of teacher are you?

The labor union also decided to strike because … it’s not really clear. Hamas terrorists killed six hostages so …. time to shut down municipal services and close the airport because … you know what – I can’t explain it and I bet no one else can either. The stranger thing is that a court can tell you that you can’t strike because what you’re doing is political … and … they listen?

I think enough people realized it was counterproductive and this was a way to shut down the nonsense.

Meanwhile, I’m driving to uplan that morning and these clowns are up ahead making noise at the traffic light. Ah nah! Ah nah! I don’t do blocking my road! Ah nah! I’m revving up (in my mind, not my engine) for this – I’ve been in Israel two weeks and my inner-Israeli is ready to go. (I wouldn’t dream of this in the United States – might get hurt – ) I have to get to ulpan and you guys are going to move!

Thankfully they were just doing a James Cordon cross-walk performance at every red light – crossing with drums because … ummm…. security theater? Go to work.

Politics

I’m trying to keep this apolitical – I made it to the 5th post.

Star Ledger, New Jersey newspaper, reports that an innocent man is in prison. Through some bureaucratic mishap the innocent man can only be released if Timothy McVey, the Unibomber, and 498 other domestic terrorists are released too.

Is it a tragedy that an innocent man suffers in prison? Yes. Should you release 500 terrorists to save that man? How about give the terrorists free rein to buy weapons?

This is literally what the “left” in Israel wants – and the terrorists have shown “flexibility” by saying “we agree only 50 of us for each innocent man.” Did we not learn from last time? For 1 Jew to be saved, Sinwar and other mass murderers were released and killed 1,200 plus took another 200 hostage because it worked last time.

Go to the next diary entry.