Citizen: “I want to pay my taxes.” United States: “Sure! How would you like to pay? Credit card? Here are three competing provides with fees less than you get in credit card points. Bank wire? Sure! Mail in a pre-printed payment voucher with a check? Sure!“
Citizen: “I want to pay my taxes.” Israel: “No.“ Citizen: “Surely you jest …” Israel: “Don’t call me Shirley. Also, we’re charging you interest.“
Israel: “Come to a nice, carpeted office with no line, give us your bank info and it will be in your account the first week of every month.“
United States: “Get on line at 6am so you get into our office before we close. Find out you don’t have the right paperwork and leave. Try again next week at 6am. We may mail you a paper check in a few months or we might not.“
In my last blog entry, I was saddled with a surprise rather large tax bill as a present for making aliyah. Know those old computer games where you have to type in a series of correct instructions to progress in the game? Go back and forth from screen to screen … see what you can do … did something change? Consult a hint book that you had to pay extra for … some keywords that you expect to work do nothing. Others, like, “give credit card” help you progress. Clearly, that was written by an American (Leisure Suit Larry 3) because in Israel that would do you no good.
Going to write this in the form of one of those Sierra Games where you move a character around …
Me: “Show tax bill.” Game: “Syntax error.” Me: “Ask lawyer for tax bill.” Lawyer: “You’ll have to circle the mystical isles three times.” Me: “Circle mystical isles three times. Return to lawyer.” Game: “Sorry. One command at a time.” Me: “Circle mystical isles three times.” Game: “You circle the mystical isles three times. You note no changes whatsoever.” Me: “Return to lawyer. Ask for tax bill.” Game: “Sorry. One command at a time.” Me: “$#%$#Q$##@$#@$#” Game: Syntax error.” Me: “Get tax bill.” Game: “The lawyer insists you pay 10x what you should to appeal and lose.” Me: “Skip to step 2 for my audience.”
Me: “Pay tax bill.” Game: “How?” Me: “Read QR code on the invoice.” Game: “You don’t have your glasses on.” Me: “Open invoice on phone. Have the phone read the QR code.” Game: “You need special software for that. Find some now?” Me: “Print invoice. Have phone read QR code – copy and paste link to myself in Whatsapp and open the link on my computer.” Game: “Sorry. One command at a time.” Me: “@#%$#*$((%#$$*” Game: “Cheat code received. You may now enter multiple commands per line. The payment page is now open on your computer.”
Me: “Search payment page in language I don’t understand and figure out where to click based on context on the page.” Game: Good job. You did it! However, the page just keeps reloading.” Me: “Fill in checkbox. Find link in small print below the “continue” button.” Game: “How would you like to pay?” Me: “Bank card.” Game: “No. Payment too large.” Me: “Pay part of the invoice.” Game: Syntax error.”
Me: “Pay by bank wire.” Game: “Excellent. Now select your bank and login.” Me: “Selecting …” Game: “Your bank has not authorized a payment this large.” Me: “@#%#@*($(#$” Game: “You want my help, stop cursing at me.” Me: “Help.” Game: “Find Hebrew speaker to help.” Me: “Search neighborhood for help.”
Game: “You find a cat on a roof and ask it for help paying your taxes. It just asks for food and mews at you until you give it attention.” Me: “Take pictures of the cat and send to family.” Game: “Surprisingly, they all think that’s normal. If you don’t get back to your quest, you will pay more interest.” Me: “Find an Israeli and human neighbor and ask for help.” Game: “Your neighbor reads the website, follows the same things you do, and can’t figure it out either. Your options are now: Go north, go to post office, make an appointment with bank, and Dennis.” Me: “Go north.” Game: “You see a babbling brook and a troll. You watch as he asks each passerby questions before taking out his battleaxe and cutting them to smithereens. When it is your turn you show him your tax bill from Israel and he looks at you with pity and lets you pass.” Me: “Call bank to make appointment.” Game: “You try and try, however, the phone system from the bank only gives you choices for something ‘digitali’ which you don’t understand and then hangs up on you.” Me: “Make appointment with the bank using online banking.” Game: “Syntax error. Not mine this time – the bank says this.” Me: “Find Hebrew speaker to call bank.” Game: “The Hebrew speaker calls for you to make the appointment. The Hebrew speaker is on the phone for 1/2 hour and can’t make an appointment either.” Me: “Go to bank myself.” Game: “You start planning to go and then remember the last you tried that and think better of it.”
Game: “Time passes. Your tax bill is now higher.” Me: “#@($#(*$@#$$@#$@!!!!!!!!!!!! What the heck? Game! Help! What do I do? Print the receipt with the QR code for no good reason. I don’t know anymore! Try post office!”
Game: “There is no post office here. Options are: go South and Dennis.” Me: “Go South. Go to post office.” Game: “You need an appointment.” Me: “Fine. Make appointment.” Game: “You make an appointment then realize you double-booked. You can’t go. At this point, I’m feeling bad for you and I’m a late 80s computer game so I’ll let you know the post office couldn’t help you anyway.”
Me: “Enter contra code.” Game: “Have you tried retracing your steps and doing everything again?” Me: “Scan QR code – open on computer.”
Game: “Dude, uncool.” Me: “Huh? Fine, scan it with my phone.” Game: “That is the first smart thing you did. They payment page springs to life on your phone.” Me: “Check all the fun boxes, find the hidden link below the big shiny buttons, and …” Game: “Your bank login appears.” Me: “Login! Login! Login!” Game: “You login. Syntax error.” Me: “Why?” Game: “Not me! Your bank! Also, a large amount of money is now missing from your bank account!” Me: “Did the payment go through?” Game: “Ask Dennis.” Me: “Go to Dennis.” Game: “You have to go North and hope Dennis didn’t leave for vacation.” Me: “Forget it.”
It is actually Tzedakah to give a person money even when he has money … because he’s away from his money, e.g. traveling in a different place, and doesn’t have money that he needs with him. Judaism is all for that – Hamlet, which served me well in high school when kids asked for money that they wouldn’t pay back, says “Neither a borrower nor lender be” … as an aside, this is my other favorite line of Hamlet:
A man may fish with the worm that hath eat of a King, and cat of the fish that hath fed of that worm. Hamlet is describing the circle of life: how one living creature serves as sustenance for another. Ultimately we are all worm food-and that worm, in turn, serves as food for other creatures.
The pinnacle of all Disney movies is “The Lion King.” It’s been downhill since then. Anyway, Lion King is Hamlet summarizing that quote into, “The Circle of Life.” Genius.
Now for a small rant on the live action remakes: Your uncanny valley makes the new Lion King movies unwatchable. I’ve wanted to say that somewhere. Also, you can’t replace Robin Williams with anyone. Remaking Aladdin with Will Smith was an even worse idea than making cartoon lions talk in realistic CGI.
Game: “Time passes. The government emails you a receipt. Your first of two tax bills has been paid.” [happy 8-bit jingle plays] Me: “Repeat steps and pay second tax bill.” Game: “You don’t have enough money in your account because you didn’t account for interest on the late payment.” Me: “Transfer money from America.” Game: “That will take a few days.” Me: “Just do it.” Game: “Fine, you’ll pay more interest though.”
Me: “Borrow money.” Game: “Haha … who in Israel will let you borrow enough money?” Me: “Ask [censored]” (It’s actually halacha, says the Chofetz Chaim, not to name a person who is generous with Tzedekah because then people will mob him with requests) Game: “He gives you money. The money isn’t in your bank account yet.” Me: “Login every half hour to see if it is there.” Game: “At near midnight, the money shows up in your account.” Me: “Pay tax bill!!!!!” Game: “The government says your QR code is invalid.” Me: “Naahhh…. nahhhhh…. nah, ah.” Game: “Syntax error.” Me: “Go to sleep.”
Game: “You sleep peacefully and wake up to a paper with a QR code next to your bed.” Me: “Pay invoice using QR code and my phone!” Game: “Those are the magic words! Everything appears to work and then the bank says syntax error.” Me: “Check and see how much money is in my account!” Game: “Next to nothing.” Me: “Yaayyyy!!! Wait. Whatever – yaaaayyyyy!”
