Aliyah Diary 22: Seeing the doctor as a “Choleh” Hadash and cultural differences

Table of Contents of Aliyah Diary

Aliyah Diary

01. Aug 19, 2024: Preparation In America
02. Aug 25, 2024: First Few Days
03. Aug 29, 2024: Moving In
04. Sept 4, 2024: First Day of School
05. Sept 8, 2024: Two Weeks In . . .
06. Sept 16, 2024: Getting Comfortable
07. Sept 22, 2024: Ready for Yom Tov
08. Sept 25, 2024: Jerusalem Concert
09. Sept 30, 2024: Nasrallahed on the Floor
10. Oct 8, 2024: Driver’s License
11. Oct 13, 2024: Packages. (חבילות.)

12. Oct 25, 2024: October Sun and the Jew
13. Oct 30, 2024: Bureaucracies and Stories
14. Nov 2, 2024: The Kindness of Strangers
15. Nov 10, 2024: Safety Fourth
16. Nov 17, 2024: Where People Look Like Us
17. Nov 19, 2024: Jewish Identity and Outlook
18. Nov 24, 2024: Learning Language – l’at, ‘lat
19. Nov 28, 2024: Taxation for Americans
20. Dec 5, 2024: Tel Aviv Art Museum
21. Dec 11, 2024: Let Freedom Ring
22. Dec 23, 2024: Doctors & “Choleh Chadash”

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Choleh (Sick)

It’s been longer than usual since my last post because I’ve been a “Choleh” Hadash … a play on the term used around here for “Oleh Chadash” which is a “new immigrant”. “Choleh” means sick. My body got used to the food within day (not days) though the viruses for which I have no immunity, not so much. Since Covid I’ve been sick perhaps a few days a year (with cough lasting longer). Here my kids get to interact with all the other Israeli kids and bring home whatever it is. This is the third time I’ve been sick – this time I was sick for almost two weeks having vertigo due to some inner ear crystal thing. Moving my head the wrong way was like getting off of one of those rides at a carnival that spins you around in circles really fast.

One other unrelated observation: Israelis don’t change their ring tones. Everyone has the default ring tone and I keep thinking it’s my phone … which is rarely off of vibrate mode anyway.

One other unrelated observation: Thanksgiving isn’t a holiday here. X-mas isn’t a holiday here. Black Friday is still a day with sales here. Wheh?

How to Fake Hebrew and be Understood

For any word of 3 syllables or more, say the word in English and add “-ali” or “-ia” to the end … whichever comes easiest. Then it becomes Hebrew! For example:

• digitali
• depressia
• historia
• dialogia
• minituria
• techni
• optimisti
• provokativi
• organi
• informatzia
• antioxidenti
• reumetalagi
• pessimissti
• alternativa
• supercalifragilisticexpialidociousali
• SoapThatLooksLikeaDuckativi
  

If the word is short, just over-emphasize the last syllable. For example:

• pen-SEAL
• cus-CO
• punc-TURE
• pup-KORN
• cun-SEPT
• potent-ZIAL
• instla-TOR (plumber)

You can now conjugate hundreds of Hebrew words. It’s not quite as polished as Esperanto though both languages were conglomerated (conglomerativi?) by Jews in the late 1800s, having opposite linguistic reactions to solving aspects of strife in Europe, so there’s that.

Your kids call you what?!?!

This goes under the, “come on, you’re kidding” category. I learn Hebrew with a secular Israeli grandmother six days a week. We chat about what’s new with me each day and I mentioned my in-laws just moved here. She was very discomforted when I referred to my in-laws by title and not by first name. I guess I could … that’s just weird. That’s “sabba” not “[insert first name here]”. Then she said her children call her by her first name! Wheh?

Told my daughter that Israeli kids call their parents by their first names and her face made the, “wheh?” look too. In America, the most secular of secular kids doesn’t call their parents by their first name even as adults. What the heck. Told my Hebrew teacher that and she didn’t go “wheh?” because that’s an American face – I don’t have the vocabulary to describe how you make that face in Hebrew. Maybe, “wh-EH?” or “whetivi?”.

Next up I told her about my vertigo and headache and she says her friend has a son who moved to the United States and found this Jack and the Beanstalk style magic pill. It’s amazing – it cures all headaches. I explain to her that I have a drawer full of medicine from cus-CO (that’s how you say it in Hebrew) which turns into a conversation about “Costco closets”. That blew her mind. She buys medication at a pharmacy when she needs it … a few pills and done … doesn’t keep anything in her house. Bizarre right? Well, she sees my medicine collection she says, “oy!”

After our she-OR (shiur, or lesson) she sends me a picture of this amazing headache killing pill that her friend sends her from her son in America – your son is coming to visit! He could bring you this magic pill!

What is it? Walgreens cold and sinus.

My wife holds that the generic doesn’t even work while I hold they do. Therefore they only work for me. This is literally one of twenty common products like that in America … acetaminophen, pseudoephedrine, and maybe an antihistamine. (I’m sure it exists in Israel too – everything is here … it’s just not in your face. I’m guessing that drug advertising is banned here.)

Yiddush around here

Back in the Old Country – New Jersey, an American-Israel visited me and came to shul (a yiddush word) with me where the Rabbi gave his drasha in English. I didn’t think anything of it. The guest commented on how much Yiddush he used whereas I hadn’t even noticed. His smicha (not smi-HA which is a blanket) is from Yeshiva University, a bastion of modern Hebrew pronunciation. Rabbis don’t shmear Yiddush words around in Israel, apparently.

I recently learned the Hebrew word “to snack” … “l’noshnish”. Oh, I said … “nosh! Of course!” I thought that comes from German … noshin … my Hebrew teacher hadn’t a clue, despite reminding me of my grandmother who regularly wanted to know if I wanted to “nosh” on something – usually cookies. Schvitz, schmooze, mensch, kvetch, glitch, schlep, meh … these are words found in American TV shows and semi-regular English language. It’s strange because Israelis don’t know what these Jewish words mean while the average gentile in podunk middle America does.

The new kids on the block

So the in-laws, whose first names shall remain anonymous, come and after I’ve been here for four months. I am reliving the pain of the tiredness and overwhelmedness of trying to get things done. Things I didn’t even think of / remember … installing Hebrew on their phones and computers and learning how to switch keyboards … transferring Whatsapp to a new phone number … how to use the controls in a Japanese car not sold in America … for a techie it’s all fine. For everyone else you find a nerd.

Then I learned this strange thing from the in-laws: parking in Modiin is not free … or, not supposed to be free. “Blue and white curb means you have to pay.” Wheh? There are no signs in Modiin saying that you have to pay for parking! I’ve been here four months, I park in Modiin about three times a week, never paid and have never gotten a ticket! Hashem helps the stupid. Why did you have to ruin that for me? Ignorance is blue and white bliss.

Do I start paying? I don’t know … seems like it’s worth the ticket risk given my record so far.

Then the in-law who shall not be given a first name in this blog tries to log into the Israel government website … can’t create an account. There aren’t enough security questions that he could possibly answer. He tries to make appointments … that system is down. Anything that should take five minutes takes two hours when you arrive.

He was going to drive to the bank and just … show up. No! Warning bells lit up in my head a big laugh came out of mouth. Don’t do that! He called … they are short-staffed and said don’t come. Would have been an hour or two of sitting there, perhaps for nothing.

The best advice I was given when I made aliyah: accomplish one thing a day. That’s it. The process is overwhelming and if you can get one new thing done a day, you’re doing well.

Visiting the Dentist

If you want dental coverage with insurance you have to go to the insurance company dentists … which aren’t known to be the best because dentists can make much more in private practice. It sounds like medicare.

Private dentist – United States: I paid $220/mo for dental insurance in the United States and then easily $100 per visit and add another $150 with X-rays. I don’t really remember how much because I don’t want to remember the pain and the bills which I couldn’t figure out anyway. The bills were chopped up by insurance payments and mashed together with my kids and code numbers going back months until things were sorted out – then all this information was re-conglomerated in a way that would challenge even Ben Yehuda and L.L. Zamenhof to organize into anything coherent.

Private dentist – Israel: the dentist went to the same dental school in New Jersey. No insurance necessary. Price: $80/person with X-rays. He said he’d only need one X-ray on each side … then he took a second X-ray on one side to get a clearer picture. Is that an extra? … no, no, it’s not. I said my OCD was acting up and he needed to even it out and take two on each side. My fear of the extra unnecessary imaginary cost won out over the OCD and I retreated.

Visiting the Doctor

The doctor then turns out to be from Manchester. How did I know that? The lovely Manchester accent. Little known thing about England: you can go a few towns over and they have different accents. I had camp counselors from different areas of Great Britain who had trouble understanding each other. … which brings us to the mish-mash of worldwide people around here. Our Veterinarian is from Switzerland, doctor from Manchester, Rabbi from South Africa, neighbor’s foreign worker from Sri Lanka, etc, etc, etc. Everyone else is from New Jersey.

Also – it’s all online. Everything is linked. There’s one healthcare card that you can swipe anywhere you go with all your health information. Make an appointment on Sunday to see the doctor on Monday … and you just go … take a number … go in … and … you meet with the doctor at the time it says you will and no surprise bill after (so far). The doctor doesn’t need dedicated staff to deal with insurance companies and you don’t have to try and get someone’s attention to tell them you’re there. I do not miss American healthcare.

You know what else is online? Everything. Your kid wants to leave school early? They fill out a short online form that sends an email to me to then fill out a short online form and they can leave school. That is, when my kids do this the way they’re supposed to. Whether or not they are in school … or the teacher is in school or decides to teach that day … let’s just say things as a bit less formal here.

Tel Aviv Airport Bathrooms

Sure, I’ve been to Tel Aviv airport plenty of times … walking from or to a plane. As a new immigrant you pass through the gauntlet of those cheering and singing about your arrival by the upperclassmen who have already gone through the hazing ritual. As an Israeli driving to what now feels like “my” airport – it’s quite serene. Short term parking is very close, clean, and easy to find. In “my” old airport in Newark – true story – a police officer drove up behind us in a single lane exit lane with stopped traffic. He began screaming over the megaphone for cars to move. I guess it was his first day. Someone in my still stopped car got out, went up to the officers car window and started screaming at him. Ah, America.

In Israel, it’s the other way around. I’m driving along the passenger pickup area with cars stopped along the right and a police car pulls up ahead of me and stops on the left side, blocking traffic. Ah, Israel.

The next thing … the airport bathrooms. You can tell a lot about an airport from it’s bathrooms. Check this out:

It is impossible to go wrong with walls of tessellating shapes of different depths, toilets with foot pedal flush, and a dispenser that gives not only soap and water – there are actual paper towels. Bless the lord for He has answered my prayers in the Holy Land.