Aliyah Blog 40: Holiday Loneliness

by tostien · March 17, 2025

Article Outline:

Background
Before Purim Woes
My friends on Purim
After Shabbos
The Following Week
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Read All Diary Entries Here

Government and Bureaucracy
10. Oct 8, 2024: Driver’s License
11. Oct 13, 2024: Packages. (חבילות.)
13. Oct 30, 2024: Bureaucracies and Stories
19. Nov 28, 2024: Taxation for Americans
22. Dec 23, 2024: Doctors & “Choleh Chadash”
27. Jan 23, 2025: Healthcare in Israel
32. Feb 5, 2025: How To Hire the Wrong Person
33. Feb 10, 2025: Quest to Pay My Taxes

Politics & Thought
12. Oct 25, 2024: October Sun and the Jew
16. Nov 17, 2024: Where People Look Like Me
17. Nov 19, 2024: Jewish Identity and Outlook
21. Dec 11, 2024: Let Freedom Ring
38. Mar 6, 2025: Talking in Quiet Peace

Travel and Trips
08. Sept 25, 2024: Jerusalem Concert
14. Nov 2, 2024: The Kindness of Strangers
20. Dec 5, 2024: Tel Aviv Art Museum
23. Dec 29, 2024: The West Bank. (Shomron)
26. Jan 18, 2025: Dead Sea Beer and Ice Cream
28. Jan 26, 2025: Yarkon River Judaism, Tel Aviv
30. Jan 31, 2025: My Son Visits and we Travel
35. Feb 20, 2025: Mitzpe Ramon Stars, Ein Avdat

Background

This isn’t an article that I plan on sharing on social media like I usually do, though I feel that if someone wants to get a fuller picture about what it is like making Aliyah, this will be here to be read (and perhaps I’ll publish a book someday?). I read somewhere a long time ago that the biggest reason people go back to their old country isn’t finances – it’s loneliness.

Back in ‘the old country’ I have lots of friends I’ve met from college as well as before and during 20 years living in the same town. Purim was a time to see at least ten of them … they’d drop off shaloach manos at my house, or me at their house. We’d exchange gifts and join each other seudahs. Then, without it – I haven’t felt that lonely since college, despite having most of my immediately family with me. It wasn’t that Purim was bad … it was good. I had a good time at our seudah. In fact, it was better than expected.

Before Purim Woes

Before and after were worse than expected. To whom would I give shaloch manos this year? How many should we make? What’s good to put in them? What can I even find? The stores are different and … for the first time that I can remember, my wife solely prepared the shaloch manos and I had nothing to do with it. I don’t even know what was in them beyond a quick peak on Purim afternoon of the “leftovers”.

For “my” Shaloch manos, I paid someone to deliver them in the ‘old country’ to my friends. They were surprised and one friend even wrote me with a picture of her family and said “send yours”. I haven’t. It was too much for no rational reason. Shalach manos to my friends “at home” in America caused very strong mixed emotions – connection … loneliness.

How can connection and loneliness go together?

I still feel like I’m still living in my old community – Israel is just an extended vacation. I’m an American. I feel American. I’m not an Israeli. It’s not even my choice to be here. I even live in little America over here and Israelis are mostly people to practice speaking Hebrew with.

My friends on Purim

Some study stays you make your friends by your 20s and then after that … that’s it. No more close friendships. Who has time for that? Sure, there are nice people in my community here. None that I can sit at a table with, belch out loud, and say, “excuse me, I’m so embarrassed” and chuckle hysterically recalling a past event or even think it’s anywhere near appropriate. Heavens, no. It takes years to remove an inhabitation with a friend to feel it’s funny with only a tinge of guilt.

I do have some friends from my 20s who made aliyah and there are people I’d feel a deeper connection with at a Purim seudah. However, for the last time in the next 20 years, the seudah was on a Friday and they do not live in the same community. It’s not like the “old country” where my friends, in a community where I lived for 20 years, are all within walking distance. My longer-term friends in Israel are dispersed around the country and no one wanted to come for a seudah just before Shabbos – we’re busy with our kids, need to prepare for Shabbos, and so on.

One of my sons is also in America. I miss spending Purim with him, or, as I once told him when he left for a trip, “Going to miss you so when are you gone to come back so I can’t wait for you to leave again?”

After Shabbos

I have three college friends who made aliyah after college – with one of them, I have been in fairly regular contact. With another, it’s been the … “I’ve been meaning to” and with a third it was “should I?” Motzei Shabbos after Purim I wrote the two additional college friends to tell them I was in Israel / wanted to do something with them, not expecting for any near future event. Israel doesn’t have a “Sunday” where you can go do things with anyone. It has a “Friday” which is not the same as an American Sunday. If you live in the same community, great – walk over. Eat at their house on Shabbos. If you don’t live within walking distance and your kids are over about 12, it will be a challenge or more to get them to agree to sleep somewhere else, if it’s even realistic to do so.

I just wanted that connection and felt lonely despite being surrounded by my immediately family.

The Following Week

On Sunday morning I called my son in America and we spoke for over an hour assuaging some of my lonliness. In the evening, I spoke to a friend in the ‘old country’ for only a few minutes though it was very helpful. When will any of them come visit? Did I even see many of them more than once every three months, if that? We were busy with our lives, yet, I know they were there and I could converse with ease. Calling them on the phone “just to talk” … not my thing. I suppose I should try.

It’s now Monday when I write this – Purim was Thursday night / Friday. I’m starting to feel better though not without feeling basically depressed until I slept it off during the day today. The safe room (my office) with a bed is great because I can make it completely dark and be alone.

After feeling so lonely, now I just want to be alone.

Aliyah Blog 40: Holiday Loneliness

Background

Before Purim Woes

My friends on Purim

After Shabbos

The Following Week

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